Lousy Wednesday

It's all dreary and windy outside, and between that, my sake hangover, and the fact that my oranda is sick, AGAIN, this day has sucked. I don't even know what to blog about, my head is so shorted-out. I keep thinking about ice cream, and whether I can actually figure out how to change the filter on the water tap, and how I'm a shit for letting all my plants die in this last freeze. It's a drawback to unemployment: too much time to think.

The not-yet-ex Hub and I are driving up to Fort Worth over the weekend to see his family. This is a double-whammy for me; Fort Worth is for me just one big fat memory-scape for my dead mother, and seeing his family is going to be weird, especially since most of them don't know we've separated. How will I deal with that? No matter how I slice it in my head, it comes up this-a-way: we divorce, I never see them again.

I know, the Hub says, oh pshaw, they love you, they'd always be there for you, blah, blah. But it's the little things, the cards at Christmas addressed to 'Mr. and Mrs.', the Birthday greetings, the invitations to football rivalry gatherings in Dallas, that won't happen anymore.

I try to view loss as door closed, door opened elsewhere sort of thing. It usually works, and would've worked all Holiday season long, if I hadn't volunteered to actually go see them. Now I have to go up there, buck up, and not speak of anything hurtful. I feel like it's a secret I have to keep. I hate it.

I keep thinking of those little boys that Hub's sister adopted, and how they hung all over me at his cousin's wedding. I took them down to the pond next to the event center and told them, that if they were very quiet, they could get really close to the sleeping ducks. I told them that I, too, had been adopted, and that it meant you were very special. It was the same lie that I got at their age, and it made me feel better then. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing the right to tell them anything again.

Wow. Somebody needs some ice cream. Seriously.